My Abortions

broken-heartRecently, I was reconnected with an old boyfriend whom I was in love with many years ago. When we were young, we had it going on. He was in the music business (working for a major record label), and I was in radio (working for the largest black owned media company in the country). We were both in our early 20’s and living the fast life in the entertainment industry. During the years with him, I got pregnant (more than once), and had abortions. It took years for me to forgive myself. But, recently we were reconnected and the Lord told me that I had to share my testimony with him.

“At first I wanted to blame you”, I told him, …”but the Lord showed me that I was just as selfish – after all, I ultimately made the decision”. “Then, I had to admit that I was a murderer.” – CONFESSION was the beginning of my healing. “Then, I mourned for the children that I killed and asked God for FORGIVENESS” – and he was faithful to forgive me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness.

“Then, I had to forgive myself – knowing that depression and guilt were the consequences for my actions” – but God used me as a testimony.
“Then, I had to learn how to RESIST the devil who kept condemning me with my past and convincing me that I would have to pay for what I did” – creating a phobia and a fear of pregnancy that affected my marriage because I was convinced that my punishment would be death if I tried to have a child – after all I deserved to die for those I had killed – a life for a life, right?. But the Lord ministered to me There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1

I realized that only God could forgive sins and forgiveness was available through His son, Jesus Christ. The process of forgiving myself took years, but when I got tired of listening to satans accustions, I finally took it to God and he made me a testimony. We overcame him [the devil and his accusations] by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony.” Revelation 12:11 So, I reminded myself of the grace that I received through salvation in Jesus Christ.

One day as I was fretting about dying on the birthing table, the Lord said to me, “What if you did die? Would you die for a child that I blessed you with in older age.” He then led me to His word where I read the stories of Elizabeth, mother of John and Sarah, wife of Abraham. “Is there anything too hard for God”, he asked. I said, “No.” Then, “Yes, Lord. I would die for him.” But, the Lord ministered to my heart that it wasn’t even about dying, it was about trusting God (even in the worst case scenario) …and I was set free with that confession of faith.

As I told the testimony to the man who would have been the father, he was convicted, received deliverance and was set free right then because he immediately repented, and asked God for forgiveness. I thanked God that over the years we had both been born again and received Jesus as our Lord and savior. We were not the people we used to be. I told my friend that we never had to discuss it again. It was finally finished, thirty years after it began. The Lord was faithful to bring the matter to a conclusion, once I was willing to confess, mourn, tell the testimony and let it go.

I pray that this testimony blesses someone. If you haven’t had an abortion yet, and you do not know Jesus, Pray: Jesus I confess my sins to you. I know that you have the power to forgive sins and I want to be cleansed. I want to receive the grace that only you can give. I invite you into my heart and ask you to change me and to give me strength to resist my old ways of thinking and acting. I accept you as my savior and I give my life to you. Move on my behalf. Make my path clear. Protect my mind and help me make the right decisions.

If you are already “saved”, remember that God loves you and once you confess and turn away from sin, he throws your sin in the sea of forgetfulness. Do not listen to the accusations of the enemy. The bible says that he accuses us before the Father day and night, but Jesus intercedes for us. He paid the price for our sins and his work is finished and good forever.

God bless you.

© 2009 Arletia McInnis, The Prophetic Scribe

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